This is my mantra these days. There are so many things up in the air with my life right now. And being mindful in saying, "I don't know" is somehow comforting. I wrote this sentiment to myself 2 summer's ago when I was in Taos for Sas's workshop. The assignment was to alter a post card and send it to ourselves. I had been flayling in my personal life, feeling adrift. I've always known what I wanted. I had been goal oriented; an achiever. Well, kids put a brake on that pretty well. Suddenly my life wasn't about just what I wanted anymore or what my goals were. My life became about something much bigger and at the same time something much smaller. In the last few years there has been a deepening of questioning. Something about turning 50. So while I was in Taos I was searching for some answers; some direction. One afternoon while at the Rancho de Taos Church viewing the amazing and mysterious "Vision of Jesus Christ" painting, this saying on a poster taped to the parish door caught my attention – "Teach Thy Tongue To Say I Do Not Know and Thou Shall Progress." And there ya go. Loud and clear.
So I've been practicing saying this ever since the day it came to me. And it's been quite a revelation. For someone who always thought she had all the answers and everything figured out, it's revelatory. What I've discovered is that instead of leading to more indecision and anxiety, saying "I don't know" leads to a kind of quiet calm. Weird, huh? A kind of letting go. Things reveal themselves in time. Decisions are made. Things work out. It's remarkable. Two years later, this is still my mantra. I don't know if we'll get the house we have our eye on. I don't know if I'll ever (or how) I'll repair the relationship with my brother. But I know that things usually work out. All in their own good time; not in the time table I want to lay on them.
We did get a tiny bit of precious snow last week. Enough to dampen the lawn and the garden, but not enough to really water the trees. But I was grateful watching the elements work their magic on the Disintegration Project. All in their good time.
I know I've been off line for a few days. My daughter turned 16 last week and is now driving – saints preserve us – this somehow has taken up a lot of my psychic energy and mental capacity – and I've been a bit under the weather with a stomach bug. But I'm back now. Pondering the universe and hopefully grabbing a few moments to work in a new journal.